When Dr. K. called
mid-May with my diagnosis of Ductal Carcinoma In Situ, his words of advice, "Avoid Internet research". What???? Anyone who knows me knows I am
the Queen of Google! Little did he know since day one, I spent hours reading
the major breast cancer sites and a few personal blogs. If not, I
wouldn't have had a clue what DCIS was, or that it is the breast cancer with
the highest "recovery" rate. Why should I have known...there is no
history of breast cancer in my family? But, after his warning, I did try.
In the interim of
waiting, I had sleepless nights, and days when I just wanted to pull a blanket
over my head and cry the day away. I found it difficult to make choices (or
even think clearly about anything). I love reading novels, but it seemed ADD had
taken over my brain, and I couldn't concentrate to get through one page. I was
hyper-emotional about everything, which is not my norm. I felt adrift,
somewhere between diagnosis and knowing what comes next. Were these feelings
indicative of a lack of faith? No, God made me, and he understands my
human limitations.
Diversions are a
wonderful thing in the times of WAITING. My favorite diversions are my
grandchildren. My nine year old west-coast granddaughter was home.
On Sunday night after Friday's diagnosis, she pulled out a children's
poetry book at bedtime. She recalled we read from it last summer
just before they moved over 3,000 miles away. On that long ago night, when the
lump in my throat became too large, I told her that she would have to read. I
remember tears sneaking out of my eyes, and she reached up and wiped them away.
But this year I did better and kept the tears at bay. We had fun reading
in Scottish and British "southern" accents. Oh how I love that
girl! If only my mom could have had the chance to meet and love on her.
She loved reading and poetry, and they definitely would have been kindred
spirits.
From my experience, the
knee-jerk response to a cancer diagnosis is...GET IT OUT NOW! Your brain tells
you that every day it is growing and spreading. I could have taken time to poll
all my friends and interview surgeons until I found the "perfect
one". But I didn't. I wanted to go forward as quickly as
possible, even though I now realize it wasn't necessary. I trust Dr. K., the
radiologist who performed my biopsy; he recommended Dr. W. and made the
appointment for surgery consultation for the next Friday.
During that week my
pastor, a very wise man, prayed with me and asked me to decide how much
involvement I wanted from him in the process. Friends reached out with
words of encouragement and prayers for clarity and peace.
I spent the morning of
my surgical consultation reading Bible verses meaningful to where I was
emotionally. As a part of the Internet research (I was supposed to be
avoiding), it was suggested to make a list of questions to take to the
surgery consultation. I made a nice long list.
My husband went with me
to the appointment around midday. Dr. W. and her staff were wonderful.
Yes, there were tons of financial, privacy, and medical forms to fill
out...which I had already completed at the mammography, MRI, and biopsy
clinics. You would think since all these physicians and offices are in the same
medical network, they could link their information! Dr. W. performed a
clinical breast exam and asked lots of questions, and she was very patient in
answering mine. Oh yeah...remember that long list of questions I made?
Well..it stayed folded on top of my purse on the other side of the exam room!
Attempting to absorb the
information regarding breast-conserving surgery, radiation, hormone therapy, and long term follow-up screenings, I had a sudden overwhelming dread of the future
and I panicked. Out of nowhere came the thought, and then I said it out
loud. "I don't want to deal with this again. I think I want to
have a double mastectomy and reconstruction and be done."
Wow! I'm sure my
husband and surgeon were shocked by that declaration. They probably
looked at me like I had two heads! Dr. W. calmly said, "Let's go
ahead and set up the lumpectomy. I will talk to your radiologist about future
screenings. We can always cancel if you decide on the more extensive
surgery. You can think about it for a few days."
I walked out of her office
on Friday afternoon with a pre-op hospital appointment on Tuesday, a radiation
therapy consultation on Thursday, and surgery scheduled for Friday. Life just got too real!
Copyright 2015 Laney's
Musings
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